My Mother: THE CYBORG!

It is well known that as a martial arts master and all that I have amazing cat-like reflexes. While it was my father who taught me actual fighting technique, it was my mother who honed my reflexes and shortened my reaction time to that of a predatory jungle cat. You see, dear ol' Ma is half deaf and would often accuse me of sneaking up on her. This made getting a glass of apple juice a bit of a feat considering I often had to duck to prevent from being waffled.

But now she has had enough! Home remedies have not worked. It's time for SCIENCE! She'll hopefully be having the procedure soon.


This is a before picture, taken with one of the kids at Christmas.

This is of course and artist's interpretation of after the procedure and may not be completely accurate since the gun will much likely be larger to easier facilitate her roasting my sorry ass. Afterward she plans on having BIG SCIENCE ACTION ADVENTURES with a team of clever space/time explorers.

What she is really having done is getting a Baha (Bone Amplified Hearing Aid), which is often referred to as a Baha Hearing Aid which is stupid because that makes it a Bone Amplified Hearing Aid Hearing Aid. This thing is pretty damn cool. It actually is attached to your head and uses you skull to transmit a signal straight to your inner ear. Its really helped a lot of people.

There are some risks however. For one, my mother's head will now be battery powered. What would happen if the batteries run out and she doesn't have any spares? Will she have to get her head jump started to hear? And where will they attach the jumper cables?!

Also, just how strong is that Baha? Will she be able to hear a fly fart across the room? Could she possibly tune it in to hear conversations in other rooms, thus becoming a key figure for her employers who could use her for industrial espionage? If she could it would be kinda a waste that she works for the City. WAIT! She could spy on other cities! She could tune it into the impulses sparking along the neurons of the brain! MY MOTHER CAN READ YOUR MIND!!!!

What would happen if this thing really malfunctioned? It was rough enough for her having to deal with me and my brother for all those years. Anyone would be a few tacos shy of a number 4 combo from that. What if the Baha inexplicably malfunctioned and she started hearing voices? Voices that seem to come out of the ether to her, but are really AM radio waves. She could have the voice of Glen Beck echoing through her skull!!! THE HORROR!!!!!!

So here's hoping things go smoothly for Hootie Nozz, my mother the cyborg.

2 comments:

brian said...

I heard a lot about Baha and thought of having one. BTW, I enjoyed reading your post about your mom, especially the part about the batteries. Hope things will go smoothly with your mom.

Brian
Hearing doctors ny

Marty Nozz said...

Thanks. It's really some cool tech. She's not scheduled to get the screw put in her skull for a while yet. I'm going to type that again because it's just too weird not to: she's not scheduled to get the screw put in her skull for a while yet. My god, my life has become a Warren Ellis story, just with more optimism.

Anywho, I'll be doing a follow up post once she gets the device fully operational, but that won't be probably until this fall.