Nozz versus the Weekend

Is it Monday yet? Its Sunday, December 4, 2011, weekends are out to kill me, and this is The Side. I remember when Saturday was all about sitting around all morning watching cartoons, and maybe having to mow the lawn in the afternoon. Now its work all day (which I'm glad to have the work) and maybe some TV.

It sucks when both conspire against me.

WORK!

Saturday didn't start off well. I go out to find that I had a flat tire. That sucks. So i was a little late getting to work because I got to spend some quality time kneeling in the dirt changing my tire. That was possibly fate telling me I should have stayed home. I'm still waiting for fate to tell me I should be very wealthy and provide my with good lottery numbers. i was hoping getting my tie fixed wouldn't be too expensive.

It was supposed to be an easy day, it really was. We were knocking jobs off the laundry list of stuff to do. We were actually looking to finish early, which is nice on Saturday. We split up to tackle the last few jobs. My first one was supposed to be simple. Check out a leak in a rental property. The tenant was supposed to have checked out already. There was no car in the driveway. I rang the doorbell and knocked, and there was no answer. I used the key I had gotten from the rental company to get in and announced myself, "Hey, its the IRS! I'm here to take all your shit!" No answer, but I wasn't expecting one and I checked my work ticket to try to help me find the leak.

I went upstairs and was heading towards the bedrooms where they said the leak was. I heard a noise coming from one of the bedrooms, and that's exactly what you don't want to hear. Best case scenario is that there's cleaners in the house, and they didn't hear me because they were listening to their iPod or something. Worst case, I figured, is that the tenants were still there and taking a nap or something and didn't hear me. Not good. I figured it would be best for me to announce myself.

Didn't get the chance.

The door swung open and there was some crazy looking sum'bitch wearing overalls, a work apron, work gloves, and goggles. I have no clue what the hell he was holding, but it looked like a freaking cannon and there was smoke and sparks coming off of it and it sounded like a lawnmower that had been beaten half to hell. I imagine I looked pretty surprised. He didn't, because he leveled that whatever the hell it was at me and screamed, "SCIENCE WILL HAVE YOUR ASS!"

I dove to the side, and that thing went the hell off. The wall that had been behind me had been transformed into a more rubbly state. I looked to where the crazy bastard had been standing and he was gone. The kickback from the shot had launched him back into the room. He came back out quick enough with the cannon, still screaming, "YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SHIT! MY SHIT WILL HAVE YOU!"

I let loose a few profanities as I dove through the hole he blasted in the wall. He let loose another shot. I made for the window, and really regretted saying I was with the IRS. I don't know if he built that thing but he was crazier than a toad-licking squirrel.

I opened the window and scrambled out onto the porch roof. A second later the window was gone, because that nut blasted it out. Glass rained all over the side yard. I ran across the porch roof and got cut short of the edge by the house wall getting blasted out in front of wee send debris flying past my face. I looked into the house through the large hole to see the goggled kook stumbling around inside the house. "DAMNED LEE HARVEY GACY BASTARDS ALWAYS TRYING TO STEAL MY SHIT!! THERE YOU ARE!!"

I can count on one hand the number of times I've jumped off of a roof. This was, by far, the best reason. I hit the lawn and rolled. Getting my feet under me I sprinted around the house towards my car. I saw my car, and had the keys in my hands when it exploded. At that point getting the tire fixed didn't seem like that big a deal.

"MY CAR!!"

The lunatic was hanging out a second story window still aiming his cannon at the smoldering wreckage that had previously been a 2006 Ford Focus. I glared at him with a burning, seething hatred. I had a Coke, a bag of Cheetos and a copy of CHECKMATE: PAWN BREAKS in my car. I was now determined to kick that crazy prick's ass. He looked a little taken aback. "Uh oh."

"UH OH?" I raced to the front steps as he pointed the cannon at me. He fired and missed and the kick knocked him back, making him disappear from the window into the cloud of nasty looking smoke the thing was spewing out.. I heard him cursing as I went back in the front door. I grabbed a piece of decorative pottery from a little table in the downstairs living room. I turned the corner towards the staircase and chucked it up the stairs as hard as I could without looking. I knew full well he'd be waiting at the top of the stairs with that thing waiting for me.

I heard the pottery hit something as the blaster went off. I stormed up the stairs as bits of drywall rained down on me. When I got to the top the stairs, he was sitting on the floor holding his face with both hands. I could see a little blood.

"I think you broke my nose."

When I managed to get a hold of my buddy to pick me up we went immediately to the rental agency. I felt the burning need to inquire about their policy as to renting beach houses to mad scientists.

TELEVISION!

The Missus is having a battle of wills with the TV. Since the move to digital television, which does suck, TV has been trying to curry favor by spontaneously growing new channels at random. The most recent addition is "Bounce" which has been described by the Missus as "wanna-be BET".

They're showing Soul Train. Not the old school awesome Soul Train. Its the new skankarific Soul Train.

What's really sinister is that if you're scrolling through the channels and hit Bounce, you can't scroll any further. You are stuck there until you input a different station in your remote. This may be the beginning of a TV ghetto black hole in which the next step is that once you get to bounce you're stuck there. It may possibly result in the TV coming on of its own accord and showing skanky Soul Train 24/7.

The Missus has tried repeatedly to delete the station. It keeps coming back. We can't delete it. If any of you know how to decapitate a TV station, please let me know in the comments.

MUSIC!

All the insanity this weekend and then I get asked why there's a story on the news about a PETA operative who was beaten about the face and head with a flank steak. May I give my response in the form of a song, officer?



I'm out of here. I'm going to go hide under a blanket until its Monday. See y'all later. I hope.

The End is Here, again

Free at last! Its Friday, October 21, 2011, Happy Birthday, Mom, and this is The Side! I get a break from the demolition job today. Its not a bad job, but for some reason the area smells like burnt pumpkins. I don't really mind the smell, but I have no clue where its coming from and that's bugging me.

DOOM!!

We've got another apocalypse due today. The crazy old guy who predicted the end of stuff a few months ago revised his prediction and its supposed to go down today. If you're reading this, it hasn't happened yet.

Still hasn't happened.

Nothing yet.

....

Hm.

....

Still nothing.

Y'know. I think the crazy old guy might be wrong. Guess I better get that birthday card to my Mom.

Yeah, still nothing. Sorry, to anyone who was really hoping for the end of stuff. I know it would have made a lot of people happy. Them a lot of those whiny smellies down at Occupy Wall Street would get their wish and wouldn't have to pay back their student loans. Then again, the crazy old guy was predicting the Rapture, and with Christianity being so passé nowadays, those poor, put-upon, iPhone toting saps would probably be ticked off if they did get Raptured up.

Wouldn't that just suck. Imagine being some nice little old lady. You pass on, hopefully from something quick, easy, and completely uninteresting. You get up to Heaven and there's a bunch of hippies occupying the Pearly Gates claiming God is part of the 1%. They claim they're going to stay out there until there's a mass redistribution of halos and harps. St. Peter just sits there looking annoyed with his hand on the level to the trap door, pondering if he could just dump the whole lot of them, and wondering how Karl Marx could have inspired such things as he's pretty much sat around and done nothing his entire afterlife.

There's still plenty of folks thinking we're living in the end times. Some are hoping to see the big J.C. upon his return. Some might just want to see how it all ends. Plenty are hoping it involves zombies.

Truth is, plenty of people have thought and believed the same thing throughout history. Well, maybe not the zombie part. We're not going to figure out when the end times hit through math. It'll happen when it happens.

And it happening still hasn't happened yet as you're still reading this.

Yep, still nothing.

...

Is hallmark still open?

MUSIC!!

Seemed appropriate.



Off and running, gang. I'll see y'all Sunday.

End of Days!! (Not the Schwartzenegger movie)

Crap. I'm still here.

I had hoped to be off world by now kicking back and dining pleasantly on Hell roasted sinner's ass with fried apples and nice light beer. But it seems I got passed on by this go around. I took a nap and must have missed the big earthquake. I do that sometimes. Used to sleep through earthquakes all the time as a kid. No damage to the property, but I'm still here.

The family is still here too. I suppose that's my fault for not getting us to church more often. The neighbors are still about too, but they're a scandalous lot, so no Rapture for them.

Can't imagine why I didn't get yanked on up. Ah well, can't dwell on such things now. The dead should be rising pretty soon, so I'd best get ready.

That's right, true believers, its Sunday, May 22, 2011, we're a day into the End of Days, and this is The Side.

DOOM!!!

Hurricane season is coming up. It starts June 1. This is of course the annual event when the local weather forecasting type folks get the squeals because they may just get to justify their existences. We get PSAs all summer long telling us to be prepared. There'll be pamphlets in the grocery stores with their pictures on them superimposed over scary looking storm pictures with instructions inside letting us know what to do if a hurricane heads this way. That's the typical procedure.

However, this is the End of Days Hurricane Season. Already the National Weather Service has predicted bunches of named storms and a few of them are sure to be major. Normally when they say that we just roll our eyes because its business as usual, but what with the apocalypse and all, I'd best be taking this seriously.

Fortunately, preparing for a hurricane is a lot like preparing for zombies. Your best bet it still get as far away from them as possible. However, doing things like getting plenty of supplies in the house and boarding up your windows is still a good idea. I'll be putting up the boards later today. I even painted "The End is Upon Us!" on one that's going to face the neighbors across the street. Figure, its best to warn them, that and now I won't have to looks at their house.

I do wonder if the zombies are prepared for a hurricane. I don't imagine the shambling dead being overly concerned with anything that doesn't directly involve the flesh of the living. However the thought of 50 to 60 mile per hour winds knocking zombies over the street is a pretty amusing mental image. The wet pavement under them making them slip would make for extra hilarity. Unfortunately, I'll never get to see it, what with my windows boarded up and all.

NWA, GO GO GO!!!

The NWA (Neighborhood Watch Association) has made its preparations for the End of Days. Of course, by preparations I mean the guys made a beer run. We're not terribly worried about supplies since we have an armored personnel carrier and can fit plenty of beer in the back. It served us well during Snowpocalypse last winter. Yesterday was quiet in the court. We fed the chickens. Fed the fish. Fed the resident wiener dog. There was a bar-b-que. The steaks combusted. This was a bad omen.

Y'know, I try to keep up with these here bad omens, but steaks combusting if a pretty nefarious one. I like steak! Stupid End of Days is trying to deprive my of my favorite noms! Now I'm scared to open up the bag of Cheetos in the pantry.

Then there was the cornholing. Because if its all over there's not better way to wait for the end than to cornhole.

You know, that game with the board with hole in it. You try to toss the beanbags in. Kinda like a sissy version of pitchin' horseshoes.

What were you people thinking?

I didn't take part in it. I was pretty tired what with all the doom approaching. Doom approaching will indeed wear a fella out. So I went to bed early. Figured it would be a pretty peaceful way to go, but sure enough I had to go and wake up this morning.

END OF DAYS DITTY!!

Just a little uplifting number to get your End of Days started.



Y'know, I saw an article that read "Sarah Palin buys house in Arizona, reignites 2012 talk" and wondered to myself how she factored into that Mayan prophecy. Imagine how silly I felt once I clicked the link and saw it was just about an election. That's going to do it for me. If you don't here from me again, when the zombies have risen up, and we lost power so I can't blog about zombies rising up. Pesky zombies.

The Universe's Name is "Ralph"

Ohm on the range! Its Sunday, April 3, 2011, the reports that Lady Gaga died are false because i started them, and this is The Side. I did manage to fool a person or two for about second with that one. Still, Nathan Fillion trumped me with his breaking news that CASTLE was getting canceled.

Let it be known. You can never top Nathan Fillion.

COSMIC NOZZ!!!

Somehow that stupid book "The Secret" made its way into the Nozz Compound. The Missus has read me a few choice passages from that book, and my brain managed not to explode. Yes, this is the same book that Oprah was raving about a while back. So here's the secret: if you think about something hard enough it'll happen. Congratulation, now you don't have to buy the book. Of course it goes on about the law of attraction and even tries to slip a bit of quantum physics in there to try to make it sound legit, but its pretty much malarky.

Let's wrap our heads around what they're trying to get at. They say by thinking about something you can change things. OK, now let's look at reality. Reality is everything that exists in space and the events that occur through time. Perception of reality is how we take in and interpret reality through our senses. Reality can be changed by actions. And action is an event. Thinking is an event. However, not all actions can change things that actually exist. This is where the book falls apart.

There is a lot of theoretical physics that claim the simply perceiving something can alter it. OK, its starting to get a bit tricky here, but we're not talking about everyday occurrences that can change lives, unless you are a certain cat.

Basically this book is trying to give you Jedi powers through positive thought. Now, I believe in positive thinking, and if you speak your goals, that'll help you stay in the right frame of mind to achieve them. But I can't bend reality to my will through my thoughts. If that were the case I'd be out fighting crime with my new superpowers right now. Still, I've seen people accomplish a lot through strength of will. People with strong, positive attitudes have been shown to recover quicker from illnesses and injuries. The will to succeed has driven champions. Often fights are won before the first technique is thrown.

But there is a certain chain to things. The future isn't hard to predict when its obvious, and some folks just seem to see the pattern to things better than others. Is it luck or some kind of cosmic taoist hoodoo? Is luck cosmic taoist hoodoo? I'm no mystic, but I've seen some weird stuff. I used to buy lotto tickets for the bartenders and waitresses at the bar I worked at, and I'd get one for myself. After making my run to the store I was told there was a call for me from "Ralph" who had some numbers for me. I have no clue who Ralph is or was. I made a mental note of the numbers, but didn't buy a lotto ticket. There were only five numbers anyhow and it was time for my shift on the door. The next morning I checked the lotto numbers and guess what five numbers came up. That's right, and the sixth number was 6. So it seemed I had a mysterious benefactor who could predict lottery numbers, but I never heard from him again. So that chance was pissed away. Upon returning to the bar to work the following weekend I asked the bartender about the mysterious caller. She had no clue who it was. I told her the numbers that they had given me had come up. She asked if i thought it may have been God on the phone. I told her if it was God he'd likely have a better alias than "Ralph".

True story, and like I said weird. But that's how life works sometimes. Things can be predicted logically, but some other times things just come together. Take this post for instance. That book made its way into the house at about the same time I bought a Marvel comic for the first time in sixteen years. What does one have to do with the other?

The Marvel Boycott is a story for another time, and had run its course. The reason I still wasn't buying Marvel was because they weren't putting out anything that made me want to buy their books. But with everything going on with the Fantastic Four, Linda and Richard both urged me to give FF #1 a shot, and I did. I didn't review it on here, because I didn't like it, and didn't feel the desire to do one of my "I'm reading this so you don't have to; save your money" bits. But then that Secret book got into the house, and raised a few discussions about things, and that brought me back to FF #1 and Reed's discussion with Franklin about a video game and his advice to look for the pattern in the programming. Which is immediately followed by Reed being told what he needs to do by two characters that know what the future holds. Essentially, Reed gets a cheat guide thrust upon him.

Life is programmed. It follows set rules. We know a lot of these rules because of science. We've seen how things have operated because of history. Life on this planet continues to advance and change, bringing us to knew and different levels of play. There are things we can't predict, like how life has "programmed" those people and things we interact with. We can't really change the life program. We can see the pattern and try to navigate it more effectively, but we can't break the hard rules. I know this because I can't fly under my own power. Pesky gravity.

But there are ways to make things better for you. State your goals, and not on some piece of paper or a word document or a resumé. Say them. Get up in the morning and say them plainly, and mean it. That gets your head on straight. It focuses you. That's half the battle right there. Do it for the daily goals ("I'm going to clean the house") and the long term ("I'm going to write a novel"). I'm not saying shout it every morning from the front porch, but when you get up to start that morning pot of coffee or before you sit down to check your e-mail and see what the weather is going to be, say it and mean it. You'll be surprised by the results.

So no Jedi powers here. These very well may be the droids you're looking for. However, I gots me some taoist, cosmic mojo workin'. So look out, Loretta.

MUSIC!!!

Two songs today, because one thing can't synchronize with itself.



Parker Lewis proved that synchronize thing using Swatches. That guy couldn't lose.



That's it for today. I'm going to go state my goals and be shift my consciousness two days into the future where all this has already happened and I was great at it. See y'all Wednesday.

Blind man's blog

It's Sunday, February 6, 2011, I can't see a damn thing, and this is The Side. I hate it when I wake up in the morning reach over to the nightstand and my glasses aren't there. That is where they should be because I place them there every night when I go to bed. So, I'm stumbling around, and squinting like Mister Magoo.

So, where are my glasses, and why aren't they on the nightstand? The answer is simple, really.

You see, despite being poor, white trash I am a powerful and feared individual. When you possess the mountain of importance that I possess you become a target for those you either want your power or those you horrible things to to gain power. I know the Anti-Nozz protests have for the most part been peaceful, but there are a few kooks out there. I wouldn't put it past any of them to break into my house while I was asleep and steal my glasses in an effort to make me more vulnerable. There has been no less than five assassination attempts on me while I sleep, but since I am the illegitimate son of Keith Richards I cannot be killed by conventional weaponry. The Missus is spared from any such attempts as she looks so darned cute when she's asleep.

Now without my glasses I believe my detractors will believe me vulnerable and will soon enough call me out into the street to face them in unarmed combat pitting their fighting skills and martial arts prowess against mine as most of my detractors are ninjas. There was a heavy contingency of pirates in the mob too, but they pissed off after I kicked their drunken asses. Pirates suck. They kept whining about how things would have gone different if we were at sea. Buncha Marys.

Back to the ninjas, those glasses stealing sons of bitches. They're all pissed off because I've said online repeatedly how much ninjas suck and how they can't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Please note that them stealing my glasses is only reaffirming my statements that they can't fight worth a damn. And if they think for one moment that I won't beat eight shades of shit outta them without my glasses then they're in for a surprise.

You don't see the hippies pulling stupid stuff like this. I'm sure they're busy bitching about corporations, trying to get the government to run everything, and being miserable bastards about everything. They keep right on complaining between joints and only really get nasty around Christmas time since they worships trees and no one ever gets them presents for Arbor Day. This right here is why we can't legalize marijuana, because if we did we could round up potheads and beat them with hoses no more. Nothing puts a spring in your step like beating a pothead with a good rubber hose.

Screw this. I'm going to go find the prick ninja that stole my glasses and thump him proper. Too bad ninjas are such a secretive bunch as the YouTube video of this would be awesome.

MY EYES!!!

Sure enough I've gotten my glasses back. Ninjas, as I always say, are a bunch of sissies. Unfortunately, I got my glasses back just in time to see pictures from the impending Spider-man film.



Great. I get my glasses back just in time to gouge my eyes out.

BEATINGS!!

Big weekend in sports this weekend. I hear there's a football game being played somewhere, but the heck with that. It was fight night last night. It was a little bittersweet for me. Anderson Silva kept his title, which annoys me because I don't really like the guy, however he won it with one of the techniques which I constantly stress the importance of to my students. Its pretty much me feeling validated in what I teach, I just wish his opponent was the one who threw it.

But more fun was watching the co-main event. It was another case of me liking both the fighters so whoever won I was happy. Rich Franklin is a class act and one of the top fighters in the world. Forrest Griffin is a big goof, and lots of fun to watch. We all have a soft spot for ol Forrest. His self deprecating attitude and sheer love for what he does makes him quite a character. He's a former champion, and that's due to another thing I always preach to my students: practice.

Forrest is one of the hardest working guys in mixed martial arts. They've had to kick him out of the gym and take his keys away to make him go home. Franklin also is incredibly dedicated and trains hard. So this made for a great fight that went the distance and both guys giving it their all for three rounds. Forrest won by decision, which was well deserved and hard earned, but what happened after the fight really stand out.

He didn't toot his own horn. He didn't trash talk. He didn't even plug his book (Joe Rogan did it for him). Before his hand was raised he and Franklin were smiling and joking with each other. It was like two guys at the dojo who just got done with a fun sparing session. That's the kind of attitude you like to see. That's what makes it a real sport and not a spectacle. This isn't guys in their back yard brawling anymore. That looks more like this.



OK, maybe not exactly like that. Still, hats off to Forrest Griffin for being and entertaining fighter and being a great dude to be a fan of.

MUSIC!!

Time for a bump and grind number.



That's the whole nine yards for today. Everyone enjoy the Super Bowl tonight. Stay safe. We'll see y'all Wednesday.

Funny Pheasant Page Plucking

As many as have that chicken! They shall not forget that they have a tentacle up their backside. Its Friday, January 21, 2011, I'm writing this entire week off, and this is The Side. There comes a time when you have to realize that making your week awesome and productive is just a lost cause, so you just have to "screw it" and endeavor to do better next time around. Which is pretty much the source of that opening couple of lines.

Back in good ol' Philosophy 101 I sat next to my pal, Beast. Beast and I lived together, bowled together, and narrowly managed to not fail classes together. While we were quite handy in many things, that class wasn't one of them. We did alright, and the professor was awesome, but sometimes we'd get those quizzes and did not have a clue was to what the answer might be. On one such occasion, Beast just said the hell with it. There was no turning in a blank paper here. If you were going to give a wrong answer, you might as go down in glorious flames. Hence the "As many as have that chicken." which if I remember correctly actually earned partial credit for pure entertainment value.

CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE

I went into a 7-11 very hungry and thirsty. I grabbed a Snickers bar and tasty ginger ale. I approach the counter with no one in line eager to pay up so I can enjoy my snack. The woman at behind the counter turns to me and asks very insistently, "Have you ever plucked a chicken?"

This query demanded an answer not just due to the content, but for the fact that she barked this command at me giving the impression that if I did not immediately she would pelt me with a Toquito. So answer I did.

"I am not the pheasant plucker. I am the pheasant plucker's son. And I'll keep on plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucking's done."

She was noticeably taken aback by my response.

"Well, I don't know why you brought that up." She said with as much indignity as can be mustered by a moron.

"Lady, I just wanted to pay for my candy bar and tasty ginger ale, and you demanded to know if I ever plucked a chicken. Consider yourself lucky that's all I came back with. Now, can we get on with my purchase before I lose any more brain cells?"

I really wish there was another convenience store near that job.

COMIX!!

Let's go first with SUPERGIRL #60 which begins the run for Nick Spencer and James Peaty writing the book and Bernard Chang handling the art. I made the mistake of thinking it was Cliff Chang that was going to be handling the art. Whoops. I went in a bit put off because it was another event cover, and this one was done by Amy Reeder, whom I really like. But then I get into the book which has a new artist on it and I feel lied to by the first impression of the book. I'm really back and forth on the debate about having a different cover artist on a title as opposed to the person who actually did the art in the book. This one went in the con column. As for the art in the book, Bernard Chang is a perfectly serviceable artist, but I'm really, really, really missing Jamal Igle right now. However, the writing on this one is top notch. There's so much going on here. The Daily Planet staff continues to be an interesting part of the book. Supergirl gets in some serious trouble all thanks to a new baddie who is absolutely fascinating. While we had last week with RED ROBIN the notion of what sci-fi cyberspace was thought to be back in the 80s, here we have a villain who is firmly rooted in the current information age, with a solid knowledge of how it works and how to weaponize it. I've been very critical of online applications that allow users to give out information about other people. Here's exactly what I've warned of as applied to the DCU. There's some smart writing going on here, and while the art didn't really suit my taste, I'm fully on board with this story.

Over in TINY TITANS #36 Terra leads some friends on an expedition to the center of the Earth. This issue stands out as being the only time I know of that the entire comic was one story with no little side gag pages. Its good times and we get to see more Kid Devil and Hot Spot. I love Kid Devil in this book. The character got unceremoniously depowered and bumped off in the regular Teen Titans book, which sucks, but at least we got a cute version still doing fun stuff here. Art Baltazar and Franco know what works with this book and stick to it. Its light and fun with little nods to the main DCU continuity but without all the baggage that comes along with it.

MUSIC!!

Because I mentioned beast earlier, I had to throw in our theme song, which we spend many a time singing along with at the top of our lungs, much to the chagrin of everyone in Harrisonburg, VA.



Alright, we made to the foxtrot once again. Remember, next Wednesday is "Ask Nozz Day" so send me some questions to answer. Have a good one and I'll see y'all Sunday.

The Longest Shortest Day

It's Friday, December 24, 2010, Christmas Eve is here, and this is the Side. As you may have realized there was no post on Wednesday, which is the first time since I started doing regularly scheduled updates that I missed one without telling y'all in advance. The reason why is an early Christmas miracle.

As I mentioned at the end of last Sunday's post, my dad was in the hospital. Getting some tests done for a shortness of breath. I was keeping up with things and really thought it wouldn't be anything major. So I got up Monday and typed a bit which I've included below and got ready for work. Here's what was going on in West Virginia.

My Dad was feeling like he couldn't get enough air. It would happen in little episodes and he would be fine. I was talking to him on the phone while he was in the hospital and he sounded fine. He's 62 years old. The doctor asked about his diet, and he eats very well. They asked about exercise, and he's been in Karate for over 35 years. They asked about anything that might be stressing him, and he told the doctor "only that my wife beats me", and actually had the doc fooled for a sec. Then the doctor asked about the family history. His father had had five heart attacks starting at age 42 and his mother had had a quadruple heart bypass operation. The doctor looked at him and told him "You can't win." He was going in with a scope to see what was going on in there.

What the doctor found was a 90% blockage of the main artery which surgeons call, no joke, "The Widowmaker". If that artery goes, it will kill you. They found the blockage Monday morning, and Monday afternoon he was in surgery getting a bypass. My brother and I were heading for West Virginia.

Sound like a miracle yet? Keep reading.

The surgery was supposed to take three to seven hours. He was done in three, because the old man of the mountain does everything with freakish superhuman speed. The hospital up there about 30 minutes from his house is a brand new facility with one of the top five heart surgeons on the east coast practicing there. If this had happened two years ago Dad would have had to have been airlifted to Washington, Baltimore, or Winchester, VA about two hours away. He did not have a heart attack so there was no damage to the heart itself. He knew something in his body wasn't right and he had a good doctor who took it seriously.

By the time we got there my father was out of surgery. My stepmother was waiting on us. It was a bit rough seeing Dad in bed with all those tubes coming out of him. He was on a ventilator, which was good because my brother was gassy. Made the ride up a joy, let me tell you. Still, my Dad's color was really good. I was expecting him to look pale, but he wasn't.

The next day was rough for him. He didn't have much of an appetite which caused the pain meds to knock him for a loop. He was pretty out of it, but by the end of the day he was eating a little solid food and taking a few steps. The day after he was still out of it due to not eating enough. That's pretty common after a surgery like that. Still he was walking all the way around the Cardio-Vascular Unit.

The day we were to leave, my brother and I were feeling pretty guilty. Yes, Dad was doing great, but it seemed like such a long road ahead with his recovery. We had to come home for our families, but were both already planning return trips. We went to see Dad and found him shaving and watching TV. His appetite had returned and after a big helping a french toast and some cream of wheat he was able to handle the pain meds much better. His voice was a little weak from having a tube down his throat a couple days earlier, but he was talking, joking, making the occasional threats, and walking two laps around the CVU. It was amazing how much he'd improved.

There's been a lot of prayers for my father. His church family has been remarkable about everything with their support. All his Karate buddies and students past and present have rallied behind him. His old unit has been fully notified. Even the Karate guys that we split from have been online and on the phone asking how he's doing. I'm fully expecting an Imperial Decree to come from Japan instructing dad to "get well soon".

The "old man of the mountain" has touched a lot of people in his life and those people all responded with prayers and well wishes, and those prayers were heard. Its mind boggling how much worse this entire thing could have been. He's actually due to come home either today or tomorrow.

So yes, my family has been truly blessed by a Christmas Miracle. We get to keep Dad here for years to come.

Thank you God, and Amen.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled insanity, already in progress.

F'N ZOMBIES!!

Zombies continue to be pretty popular. It used to be there'd be a spike in popularity for them. It was the zombie fad that would come around, hang in for a bit, and then head back to its hidey hole until something came along to spark zombie interest all over again. Then came the popularity war with vampires where the pop cultural mindset would ping back and forth between the two. Now its undead-o-rama.

I've gone off plenty on vampires on here and was tempted to do so again since one of my students who is maybe ten asked if I wanted to read the story she was writing about a "half vampire". I suppressed the urge to scream "NOT YOU TOO!" and simply asked "Which half?" Stephanie Meier has much to answer for.

But back to zombies. The zombie/infected genre has been around for years and years starting of course with The Smurfs. Yes, I'm serious. In 1963, long before George Romero started making zombie flicks there was a story in the old Smurfs comic that started the whole genre. Don't believe me? Well, it got adapted into an episode for the cartoon series.



Fast forward to now and zombies are very popular. There's bunches of movies and books. The AMC TV show THE WALKING DEAD broke a record when it debuted. The show is based on a comic book from Robert Kirkman. Its a very good comic and I have been curious about the TV show since I don't have cable and can't watch it. My curiosity comes more from wondering how close the show is the book. From the few clips I've seen, it looks like it departs quite a bit from the book. The scene I saw showed the survivors getting into the CDC and seeing what happens to the brain of someone who gets infected. That never happened in the comic, but it raised even more questions for me. In the comic, if you die for any reason you come back as a zombie unless your brain was damaged enough to prevent it. In the clip they explained how a bite from the zombie spread the infection like meningitis to the brain killing the host which makes me wonder if the only way to become a zombie in the TV show is to get bitten. Very frustrating.

But with the lack of cable I turn to the internet where there's a fun zombie series on YouTube called Bite Me. I say "fun" in that its pretty goofy and funny, but yes the shambling dead still try to kill and eat you so its not all hugs and puppies.

I do like the zombie stuff although the whole zombie apocalypse thing just wouldn't work. The infected thing would in that there could be something airborne to turn a good chunk of people into a serious threat. But let's look at what would happen if the dead really did start rising.

Scenario: the dead start rising and if they bite you, you become a zombie. These are the traditional slow moving dim-witted zombies, not the cheating fast ones.

Outbreak: the main problem areas would be the cities which would have morgues full of zombies. Graveyards wouldn't be a problem as even if the bodies could still function after being embalmed six feet of dirty should hold them. There would obviously be quite a few springing up in hospitals and at accidents.

Spreading: of course there'll be a few people caught off guard and cornered. Then there's the issue of concerned family members seeing their loved one who are now zombies, don't think and get chomped.

Solution: zombies are really only a threat in large groups and confined spaces. Police and military would have this shut down very quickly. Worst case for having this turned around is about 48 hours.

So the main question in these stories is: what went wrong? How could people have screwed up enough that these things managed to overtake us? There's got to be some catalyst. Something had to have gone horribly wrong for zombies to destroy civilization. I have a zombie "apocalypse" story woven into the continuity of my Night Life series, which one day I'll get around to telling in full. I put the quotes around apocalypse because even with the twists I put in to tip the scales in the zombies' favor I just can't get them to the point where they over take people.

MUSIC!!

Tis the season!



That's it for today. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. For those of you who sent some well- wishes and prayers our way for dad, thank you from the bottom of my black, black heart. See y'all Sunday.

Drag Queen Stones Manny Fresh!!

Sweet car-honkin cripes! Its Wednesday, December 15, 2010, parts of me are currently frozen, and this is The Side. It is frakkin' cold out there. This of course doesn't surprise me since in recent months the caterpillars have been exceptionally fuzzy and certain spiders have been quite large. The future is easy to predict when you know what to look for.

We're in for another winter that'll have us all yelling, "where's all mah Global warming at?!"

BOOZE TIME!!

Tis the season for good times, like Christmas parties. Many of those parties will indeed involve booze. So if you're going to drink, be responsible about it. Mike and Bob had a couple of officers in the studio to get local legend and internet avenger Manny Fresh hammered so we can see the effects of boozin' it up and see what kinds of tests they administer. This was in between Manny attempting to drunk call and drunk text girls at about eight in the morning requesting weird sex. Good ol Manny, always keepin' it classy.



To be honest, it was some of the funniest radio I've heard in a long time, but it also managed to be pretty educational as well.

So, from a former bar doorman and lush, drive safe and drink smart. I want to guys around next year.

THE NAME GAME

Looking at the word itself Celebrities are supposed to be people who are celebrities. However, in the age of information in which privacy is as valuable a commodity as any, celebrities are often looked at with a microscope by the masses waiting for them to do something scandal worthy. It makes me wonder how much clout do these people actually have away their fields. Obviously a big name musician has some pull with record companies. Big name actors get better treatment in Hollywood. However, its the public that makes these people big names. Now, some of them are prepackaged garbage like Justin Bieber and folks just fall for it. Others have some talent so people pay attention.

Currently, there's a list of celebrities who are trying to keep a woman from getting stoned in Iran. For those of you reading this who are outraged that these celebrities have come out against marijuana, I would like to congratulate you on being temporarily coherent enough to navigate the internet. And no this has nothing to do with marijuana, it has to do with a court deciding that a widow should have rocks thrown at her until she is dead. Obviously, this is a bad thing, however I don't think this list will carry much weight. Call me crazy, but I doubt the court system in Iran care too much about what Robert Redford thinks.

Still, its good that these celebrities have seen something that they feel is wrong and have decided to come out against it. In the world of celebrities, what you say and do has consequences. Say the wrong thing, and you risk ticking off your fan base, and next thing you know you used to be a celebrity.

Names have weight. Attaching your name to something has meaning. Even if you're just a guy with a blog. Celebrities often have their pet charity that they like to contribute to and draw attention to. Me? I shaved my head for charity and raised about $300 to help fight pediatric cancer. Its a modest sum, but I was happy to do it. That was before I got on Twitter and Google Buzz and also at a time when this blog had about five followers. I'm wondering if I do it again will the result be different now that my name out there more.

I'm not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. Not much to be celebrated here. But names have weight, and I'm wondering how much mine weights and what good I could with it.

CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE

Recently, my cousin related to me the instance that he first saw an openly gay person in real life. It was at a party, and outside one complete with a bonfire. Everything is hunky-dory and them a guy shows up completely in drag. This was a first for my cousin on multiple levels. The obligatory hushed comments were made, but everybody was having a good time except it seems for one guy who really liked to hate on some gays. He insulted the guy dressed as a chick very loudly and very openly culminating in him calling the guy a "fucking faggot".

Now of course such things are considered hate speech and this guy should have had the masses decry his outburst. We are a civilized society after all should be celebrating diversity and all that other hippy crap. So that drag queen did what any other drag queen should do in a situation such as this. He took off his heels told somebody to "hold my shoes" went over to that guy and bap bap bap BAP. Then he thanked the person for holding his shoes and the party continued.

Unfortunately, this took place before such things as camera phones and YouTube, but it doesn't matter because there's no way to spin getting your ass beat down by a drag queen. That kind of event is spread by word of mouth, much like the epic tales were told before the advent of written language.

I stood there listening to my cousin relate this event and thought to myself, "Well I'll be damned. It really does get better."

MUSIC!!

Harmonica and cow bell? Hold on to your hats, folks!



Alrighty, pee on the fire and call in the dogs, I'm hangin' it up for today. I'm going to go put on about twenty pounds of clothes. Stay warm, people!

Mark Waid drops an F-bomb in a Port-a-John!!

All right, you lot! Its Friday, December 10, 2010, this post ended up a lot longer than planned, and this is The Side.

I really had jack squat for today. I was going to review a bunch of comics, and put up a music video and that's about it. Then sure enough I got hit with a ton of stuff to write about and some news to share. Fortunately, I had time to type it all.

COMIX!!

Let's get the ball rolling with BATGIRL #16. Bryan Q. Miller has really hit his stride with this book. I'm loving Dustin Nguyen on pencils. This book is a ton of fun. Our Steph has been framed for murder and has a pretty hefty amount of the GCPD hunting her. Plenty of action to be had here as the "Grass Before the Scythe" two-parter concludes. This book is one of my "TV sit-com" books. It has fun characters that I like and I look forward to it every month, but it doesn't require me to ponder every last detail of everything. Its light, and you've got to have some light, fun book to read. Otherwise, the grim and gritty overtakes your soul. Nobody wants that.

Moving onto another fun book TINY TITANS/LITTLE ARCHIE AND HIS PALS #3 in which the long standing funny book tradition is up held. If characters from two different companies ever appear in the same book there must be a competition to see which is superior. In this case its Cyborg versus Jughead in burger eating contest! What I'm really digging is that they keep bringing in more characters from the Archie side to play with. last month it was Josie and the Pussycats. This month it's Sabrina the Grade-school Witch! Great stuff from Art Baltazar and Franco. This book is consistently a treat.

The fun doesn't end there! KNIGHT AND SQUIRE #3 was on the stands so Paul Cornell could let us know that England is a very weird place. This go-a-round Britain's Dynamic Duo are up against the clone of King Richard III, who is eeeeeeevil. Obviously there's a battle and the turning point comes with online social media? Its a hoot and half to go along with a bit of knuckle dusting and it seems there's a bit of romance in the works was both Cyril and Beryl seem to have prospective love interests. It adds just the right amount of 'cute' to the weirdness. Although I still need a translation for a good portion of the slang.

Thus ends the light fun as we move onto RED ROBIN #18. I'm giving this book a try because I like Fabian Nicieza. He writes good Tim Drake. He also writes good stories that don't easily break down into black and white/good and evil bits. Done wrong, stories like this end up with the hero being less than heroic, the action seeming forced, and the readers left a bit unsatisfied. Nicieza puts Tim firmly in a bad spot in which he has to take on a friend and ally who he's not to sure about anymore in Red Star. This issue puts up a ton of questions as to who is really the good guy here, and Tim is stuck in the middle trying to make heads or tails of things. Fortunately, this is one of the top detectives in the DCU we're talking about being a written by a very competent journeyman. This is part one of what looks like the beginning of a very good story, so I'm giving it my "read of the week" stamp.

Meanwhile, out in space, R.E.B.E.L.S. #23 wraps up a story about two rookie Green Lanterns getting caught up in Vril Dox's propaganda push and this brings in John Stewart. As GL's go, I like him. You always know where you stand with him. He's got some great scene's with Adam Strange in this issue. Its a very weird issue in that our "heroes" are very nearly the villains of the story. We know Dox is a world class jerk and manipulator, but there's always been a positive spin on his schemes and ploys. People have benefited from them. This time around it was just to push his own agenda, which is completely in character for him, but it was odd reading "his" title and not being in his corner. That said, Bedard handles Green Lanterns very well, so if you're a GL fan and not reading this title, its a good story to introduce you to the book, and hopefully you'll stick around because this book is consistently awesome.

Wrapping up my reads this week is 41 #1 from my buddy Bob Frantz AKA Bobby Fresh and Pablo Peppino AKA ... um... "Peppy"? OK, Peppino doesn't have an AKA yet, but with work like this he'll probably get one soon. The art is pretty sharp, and will no doubt improve as the series continues. This is Frantz's freshman effort as a comic author, and for a freshman effort, this is one hell of an ambitious project. World building with an ensemble cast is a giant pain in the ass. So much can go wrong and turn things into a confusing mess. Frantz side steps a lot of this by giving the reader just enough information about the world of 41 for them to hit the page running and meet the cast. The cast in question are a group of mercenaries in a post-apocalypse world that do what needs doing. We follow team leader Tex Hernandez and his men as they take on a job and meet some nasty resistance along the way. Lots of action, and a fair amount of humor as well. It certainly has the best "F-bomb" I've seen in a while. Knowing Bob is what got me to pick up the book. It being good is what is going to keep me around for issue two.

BUH-BYE... sorta..

Got some breaking news for ya.

December 9th, 2010 – Los Angeles, CA – It is with a heavy heart but also with great warmth and fondness that BOOM! Studios bids adieu to one of its own: effective immediately, Mark Waid is stepping down from the responsibility of Chief Creative Officer at BOOM! Studios. Waid will continue his run on IRREDEEMABLE and INCORRUPTIBLE and his brand new break-out hit collaboration with Stan Lee, THE TRAVELER.

"Mark was key in BOOM!'s transition from a promising upstart to top tier publisher," Ross Richie, the Chief Executive Officer of BOOM! Studios remarked. "Now that we've reached this stage, Mark's made it clear to me that he's ready to take on new challenges. And we wish him the best!"

"I learned a lot in my time at BOOM! about the ever-evolving job of publishing comics in the 21st century, and it’s been an invaluable experience," Waid said. "But now that BOOM! is in a strong place with its best foothold ever in the market, it’s time for me to refocus my energies on writing and on creating. And maybe take one of these ‘vacation’ things that people are always talking about.”

At Comic-Con International in 2007, BOOM! Studios shocked the industry with the appointment of Mark Waid as Editor-in-Chief of BOOM! Studios. After three years as Editor-in-Chief, and writer of some of the bestselling BOOM! Studios titles like IRREDEEMABLE, INCORRUPTIBLE and most recently THE TRAVELER, Waid was promoted to Chief Creative Officer in the summer of 2010. Today, after a little over three years at the company, Waid leaves BOOM! Studios firmly entrenched as one of the top comic book companies in North America.

"Working day-to-day with a creator of Mark's caliber is an experience I'll never forget," said recently-minted Editor-in-Chief Matt Gagnon. "Thankfully, with IRREDEEMABLE, INCORRUPTIBLE, and THE TRAVELER going strong on the stands, I still get the pleasure of working day-in-and-day-out with Mark. He's one of the greats and I wish him the best in the next chapter of his influential career."

"Mark's such a phenomenal talent, but also a phenomenally good sport." Chip Mosher, Marketing Director added. "I'd like to publicly apologize that the tagline 'Mark Waid is Evil' will follow him the rest of his days! While Mark's presence on the BOOM! team will be missed, I look forward to reading what is next on all the BOOM! books he will continue to concentrate on."

While Mark Waid exits the executive team at BOOM! Studios, Waid will continue writing all three of his current BOOM! Studios titles. This December sees the release of IRREDEEMABLE #20 and INCORRUPTIBLE #13, in what continues to be one of the most successful launches of a new series in the past five years in the Direct Market. The success of the single issues for both series have been surpassed only by the massive trade paperback sales, with December also seeing blockbuster pre-orders for IRREDEEMABLE VOL. 5 and INCORRUPTIBLE VOL. 3 TPBs, that will be hitting store shelves later this month. Waid's collaboration with Stan Lee, THE TRAVELER #2, also tearing up the sales charts, hits store shelves later this month.

As much as I joke about Mark Waid, let me be clear: I love the guy. I'm a huge fan of his, and wish him nothing but the best. BOOM! will be in perfectly capable hands and I'm looking forward to seeing what's next for Waid.

TALKING WITH PEOPLE: part 1

Was chatting with the guy behind the counter while getting my tire fixed. He was telling me about his daughter who is a Sargent in the armed force (I forgot to ask which branch), and while trying to instruct her troops that she was training and of course there was one guy who wasn't listening and talking when he shouldn't be. She told the guy repeatedly to stop talking and pay attention. That didn't phase him, but her yelling at him "HEY! SHUT THE @#$% UP!" did.

"When I'm talking, you keep your trap shut and listen to what I have to say! You think you know more than me? You see these ribbons? I got these for being in combat in Iraq! You ain't got squat on your uniform! You're nothing but a @#$%ing slick!"

And at this point, the guy was on the verge of crying. "Y-you can't talk to me like that! I'll tell the First Sargent!"

"FINE! Let's go talk to the First Sargent! On the way, we can stop by the parking lot so I can beat your ass!"

So off they go to the First Sargent who listens to the guy's story and then approaches the woman. "Sargent, did you really threaten to 'beat his ass'."

"Yes sir."

"Why?"

"I'm trying to save his life by teaching him things that'll hopefully keep him from getting killed should he ever see action. He doesn't want to listen so I'll make him listen."

"Keep doing what you're doing, Sargent. Just next time, when you threaten someone, don't do it in front of other people."

Freakin' awesome.

CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE: part 2

"So, how's it goin'?"

"Not bad. How's things up top?"

*Thump*

"OK, as long as the wind isn't blowin'. When the sun's on you its actually kinda comfortable. I actually broke a sweat up there."

*Thump*

"I can't believe how Mikey hangs over the edge to get that metal in like he does."

"Well, its a pretty tall building, so if he falls off I have time to wave at him on his way down."

*Thump*

"Very nice of you."

"Thanks. But really, its not so bad. It could be a lot worse."

"You mean like being stuck in a port-o-shitter with two guys leaning on the door so you can't get out?"

*Thump*

"Exactly."

MUSIC!!

I had Plant on here and then Page. Time for the combo.



Alright, continue on with your Foxtrot and I'll see y'all Sunday.

Long Live The Batman

I warn you now, by clicking the link you will see not only the most amazing submission letter to a comic book publisher of all time, but you will be sucked in and forced to end everything you post online with "LLTBM".

Click for nearly unspeakable, incomprehensible weird.

Don't come crying to me and claiming I didn't warn you. And if you live in Wisconsin, don't let the sharks get you.

LLTBM.