The Ballad of Steve and Larry

Saw this video.  Made a comment about making a fan-fiction, and so of course I had to do it.

It was a tense day in the far away land known has Minnesota. Queen Ashley looked to skies which were hazy and odd looking, like the distorted dreams of one who had eaten too much pie. She feared for her subjects, many of whom were too busy looking at cat videos to take note of the possible, impending threat. The noble queen stood atop the outer wall of her keep with a cool evening breeze blowing through her blonde hair. She pondered what was to come, much like she pondered the severity of hangovers after nights of much hearty beer.

It was then that the enemy struck. It was trolls. Hundreds of them. They brayed and screeched; yowling to the heavens about the queen’s editing and content. They shouted how she was derivative and added nothing of value to the ether of ideas that swirled through the world. The queen knew that her loyal subjects would rise up to defend her, but she also knew too well the harsh consequences that could come from such skirmishes. Insults would be hurled. There would be flames; OH how there would be flames.

Well, if the trolls wanted flames, then flames Queen Ashley would give them. The foolish trolls must not have known that her realm was protected. The cool evening breeze strengthened to a gust; a gust which could only be caused by the mighty dragon, Larry! As Ashley took to the highest tower to survey the coming battle, Larry swooped overhead. His passing made her hair and dress wave and dance like parking tickets before a leaf blower. His mighty, green wings carried him straight towards the troll hoard.

The trolls unleashed their battle cry of “Tits or GTFO!” and the sky was then filled with spears and arrows aimed at the noble lizard. With one flap, Larry created a mighty wind which scattered the spears and arrows. Still the taunts came. Still the torches were waved. Larry belched forth a mighty fireball which sent the little hobgoblins scurrying and squealing, like a tween girl in the face of an annoying Canadian pop star. Larry took pride in his earnest work defending the realm of Queen Ashley and it smiled as best it could. Still, he was a dragon and even smiling he looked like he was ready to eat someone. He spied a tasty looking morsel of a troll. The troll was a fat one, fresh from his underground dwelling beneath the home of his parents. Larry swooped down to gobble up the smelly bastard.

It was then that disaster struck. The trolls had an ace up their sweat-stained sleeve. A mimetic catapult hurled a ridiculously overused image and words which were somehow meant to be clever at Larry. Caught unawares, the dragon was struck hard and crashed down to the cold ground of the battle. He struggled to regain his composure before the trolls overtook him. Then came the chants from the hoard. “FAIL!”

Queen Ashley could not let her noble ally be taken by the horrid, unwashed masses. She hurried to the deepest dwelling of the keep. There she came to her realm’s ultimate defense: the Supreme Tactical Electronic Vindication Engine. Standing before it she uttered the activation voice command “Hey there” and with a wink of her pretty eyes the behemoth came to life.

Rising up from the depths of the keep, S.T.E.V.E. the robot strode towards the battle. He was bright and shiny with flashing lights and waving arms. “WTF?!,” howled the troll hoard before S.T.E.V.E. scattered them with one swing of his mighty, slinky-looking robot arm. This allowed plenty of time for Larry to compose himself and once again take to the skies.

The mighty robot and noble dragon could not be swayed or deterred by the verbal barbs and incessant flames of their annoying foes. Queen Ashley retook her post in the high tower and looking down upon the scene of the trolls retreating to her dank dwellings with Larry and S.T.E.V.E. is pursuit. A smile played at her ruby lips as she uttered the cry of victory. “PWN’D!”

Sounds Legit!

We were working for a couple down at their beach house today.  Its no secret that the guy I work for has MS.  So, small talk entails, the Big Guy's health issues are inquired about.  Nothing unusual.  So the lady says, "Hey, I know this faith healer.  You should go see him.  He's really gifted."  She went on to tell him about a guy she knew who had MS and the faith healer got that MS virus right out of him.

Now, if you are about to jump shit over that last little bit, hang on, it gets better.

So she keeps talking about the faith healer guy with glowing praise, and finally she laid out that trump card.  The glorious personal anecdote that completely cemented her claim.

"I had herpes for years, and he cleared it right up!"


I do wonder what her husband thinks about this.

I wonder if he knows about this.