Nozz versus the Weekend

Is it Monday yet? Its Sunday, December 4, 2011, weekends are out to kill me, and this is The Side. I remember when Saturday was all about sitting around all morning watching cartoons, and maybe having to mow the lawn in the afternoon. Now its work all day (which I'm glad to have the work) and maybe some TV.

It sucks when both conspire against me.


Saturday didn't start off well. I go out to find that I had a flat tire. That sucks. So i was a little late getting to work because I got to spend some quality time kneeling in the dirt changing my tire. That was possibly fate telling me I should have stayed home. I'm still waiting for fate to tell me I should be very wealthy and provide my with good lottery numbers. i was hoping getting my tie fixed wouldn't be too expensive.

It was supposed to be an easy day, it really was. We were knocking jobs off the laundry list of stuff to do. We were actually looking to finish early, which is nice on Saturday. We split up to tackle the last few jobs. My first one was supposed to be simple. Check out a leak in a rental property. The tenant was supposed to have checked out already. There was no car in the driveway. I rang the doorbell and knocked, and there was no answer. I used the key I had gotten from the rental company to get in and announced myself, "Hey, its the IRS! I'm here to take all your shit!" No answer, but I wasn't expecting one and I checked my work ticket to try to help me find the leak.

I went upstairs and was heading towards the bedrooms where they said the leak was. I heard a noise coming from one of the bedrooms, and that's exactly what you don't want to hear. Best case scenario is that there's cleaners in the house, and they didn't hear me because they were listening to their iPod or something. Worst case, I figured, is that the tenants were still there and taking a nap or something and didn't hear me. Not good. I figured it would be best for me to announce myself.

Didn't get the chance.

The door swung open and there was some crazy looking sum'bitch wearing overalls, a work apron, work gloves, and goggles. I have no clue what the hell he was holding, but it looked like a freaking cannon and there was smoke and sparks coming off of it and it sounded like a lawnmower that had been beaten half to hell. I imagine I looked pretty surprised. He didn't, because he leveled that whatever the hell it was at me and screamed, "SCIENCE WILL HAVE YOUR ASS!"

I dove to the side, and that thing went the hell off. The wall that had been behind me had been transformed into a more rubbly state. I looked to where the crazy bastard had been standing and he was gone. The kickback from the shot had launched him back into the room. He came back out quick enough with the cannon, still screaming, "YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SHIT! MY SHIT WILL HAVE YOU!"

I let loose a few profanities as I dove through the hole he blasted in the wall. He let loose another shot. I made for the window, and really regretted saying I was with the IRS. I don't know if he built that thing but he was crazier than a toad-licking squirrel.

I opened the window and scrambled out onto the porch roof. A second later the window was gone, because that nut blasted it out. Glass rained all over the side yard. I ran across the porch roof and got cut short of the edge by the house wall getting blasted out in front of wee send debris flying past my face. I looked into the house through the large hole to see the goggled kook stumbling around inside the house. "DAMNED LEE HARVEY GACY BASTARDS ALWAYS TRYING TO STEAL MY SHIT!! THERE YOU ARE!!"

I can count on one hand the number of times I've jumped off of a roof. This was, by far, the best reason. I hit the lawn and rolled. Getting my feet under me I sprinted around the house towards my car. I saw my car, and had the keys in my hands when it exploded. At that point getting the tire fixed didn't seem like that big a deal.

"MY CAR!!"

The lunatic was hanging out a second story window still aiming his cannon at the smoldering wreckage that had previously been a 2006 Ford Focus. I glared at him with a burning, seething hatred. I had a Coke, a bag of Cheetos and a copy of CHECKMATE: PAWN BREAKS in my car. I was now determined to kick that crazy prick's ass. He looked a little taken aback. "Uh oh."

"UH OH?" I raced to the front steps as he pointed the cannon at me. He fired and missed and the kick knocked him back, making him disappear from the window into the cloud of nasty looking smoke the thing was spewing out.. I heard him cursing as I went back in the front door. I grabbed a piece of decorative pottery from a little table in the downstairs living room. I turned the corner towards the staircase and chucked it up the stairs as hard as I could without looking. I knew full well he'd be waiting at the top of the stairs with that thing waiting for me.

I heard the pottery hit something as the blaster went off. I stormed up the stairs as bits of drywall rained down on me. When I got to the top the stairs, he was sitting on the floor holding his face with both hands. I could see a little blood.

"I think you broke my nose."

When I managed to get a hold of my buddy to pick me up we went immediately to the rental agency. I felt the burning need to inquire about their policy as to renting beach houses to mad scientists.


The Missus is having a battle of wills with the TV. Since the move to digital television, which does suck, TV has been trying to curry favor by spontaneously growing new channels at random. The most recent addition is "Bounce" which has been described by the Missus as "wanna-be BET".

They're showing Soul Train. Not the old school awesome Soul Train. Its the new skankarific Soul Train.

What's really sinister is that if you're scrolling through the channels and hit Bounce, you can't scroll any further. You are stuck there until you input a different station in your remote. This may be the beginning of a TV ghetto black hole in which the next step is that once you get to bounce you're stuck there. It may possibly result in the TV coming on of its own accord and showing skanky Soul Train 24/7.

The Missus has tried repeatedly to delete the station. It keeps coming back. We can't delete it. If any of you know how to decapitate a TV station, please let me know in the comments.


All the insanity this weekend and then I get asked why there's a story on the news about a PETA operative who was beaten about the face and head with a flank steak. May I give my response in the form of a song, officer?

I'm out of here. I'm going to go hide under a blanket until its Monday. See y'all later. I hope.

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