I'm adopted. Its a very open fact. I was told of this when I was about three and questioned my mother as to where I came from. This lead my adolescent imagination to cook up many fantasies as to the circumstances of my adoption involving royalty or often covert spies. Having this knowledge was in no way traumatic for me growing up. I had a good family and was happy for the most part. I think a lot of emotional problems we hear about adoptees comes from them not having that knowledge growing up. It can affect the trust in the family.
In my twenties I did acquire the paperwork to try to find my biological parents. This wasn't done due to curiosity. It's kind of scary sometimes not having a family medical history. I didn't discuss this with my family. It just didn't seem right. I threw the papers away after mulling it over for a couple of months. Finding out my medical history wasn't worth opening that door. I'm sure my parents would support me if I did attempt to seek out my biological parents, and they may be a bit surprised that I haven't attempted it. I never asked them many questions about it. That seemed disrespectful. I had a little information as to the circumstances and the reasons I was adopted. I also know that my name used to be "Steven". I prefer my current name. Thanks, Dad.
I'm writing about this because of the new ABC reality show "Find My Family". That show weirds me right the fuck out. Even the ads for it skeeve me out. Meagan's noticed it and asked me about it. She doesn't push, bless her, but I know she's concerned that there's something brewing with me because I look at the ads for that show the same way most people look at horrible car accidents.
It freaks me out that someone could show up on my doorstep one day and claim to be my relative or representing my biological parents. I have enough going on in my life. I don't need that. I don't care if it turns out that I am indeed Dave Grohl's long lost brother and there's wealth waiting to be showered upon me. No thanks. You can keep it. Jog on.
Had a buddy of mine track down his biological family. It wasn't a magical moment on a flower covered hill like on that show. It sounded pretty rough. He really needed to know the answers to the questions on the other side of that door. It's not weakness. I'm not better than him for not wanting to know. I'm not claiming any superiority for not wanting to know. I just don't need those answers to my past, because they come with a baggage and a lot of it.
So, in the incredibly minuscule chance that there's some ABC producer that sees this looking to do a bit of research because someone is trying to find me: stay the hell away from me. I neither want nor need any of it.
4 comments:
I've a friend who met her biological mother when she turned 18 and it was a heavy, heavy experience and caused her a lot of grief and identification issues. Turns out she has a brother and sister, and some medical history she has to worry about - but she doesn't regret it. There are SO MANY different "out comes" for people who go in search of their "missing family" - does that show ever go into ANY of that? I haven't heard of it or seen any commercials...
All I see is people crying and hugging on in the commercials. I avoid the show like the plague.
Marty, thank you for posting that about adoption. I so appreciate you sharing that experience, because as you know, I will be going through all those questions/issues with Deedle. I never knew you had a different name! I like Marty better, too. I am considering changing Deedle's name when I can legally, and in a way I feel guilty/weird about it, because I feel like I can't do it until it's legal, and by then everyone is used to calling him his given name, so it would be weird to change it. It would also be weird to keep it. Do you know if your parents got to know your bios at all? Just wondering because I know a lot about Deedle's bios, more than I would really ever want to tell him. And I have wondered about the right age to tell him. I always planned to be open, but developmentally appropriate. Meagan and I have a cousin (I'll bet you know) Mike, who was adopted from within our family, so he always knew his father as an uncle. He didn't know he was adopted until he was 20. He never wanted to pursue a parental type relationship with his father once he found out. Anyway, if it's OK with you, I would like to use some of what you've said to write an article about adoption for my class. Let me know if that's OK or not. Again, thank you for sharing. That show creeps me out too, in a different way. Hey, since I'm babbling, you know my grandmother had two kids she adopted out and one of them came looking for her. That was not something my grandmother wanted at all. Ugly. And my aunt Linda had a daughter she adopted, although to my knowledge, neither of them sought each other out.
Anything I post on here is usable for quotes in articles and papers, so feel free to gank anything you need out of it. My name got changed when I was 15 days olds so my situation was a lot different than Deedle's. My folks have a bit of information bought my birth mother and there was a bit of drama when they thought she was going to try to come take me. Things were a lot different then. Guidelines weren't as strict to adopt. Also "open" adoptions were pretty much unheard of.
Meagan told me about Mike. It's a much stickier situation when the adoption occurs within the same family. In your situation, being open with Deedle is the best option. That way there's no big secret, he it removes the possibility of him resenting you for lying to him about it.
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