Just the facts, ma'am.

Hit 'em with an internal organ and its three points! Its Wednesday, February 16, 2011, that pesky lung just won't hack up, and this is The Side. Tournament season is approaching and while I'm trying to prepare that nasty cough from my bout with the flu is hanging in there like Oleg Taktarov on the receiving end of a beating. Old Oleg did alright for himself though and has done some pretty sweet movies. I doubt I'll be offered any choice roles upon my recovery, but at the very least I'm hoping to snatch up some trophies next month.

LIES!!

Does this look like a black belt in Karate to you? I don't know either. I read a lot of magazines. When you spend a lot of time riding in work trucks sometimes up to an hour at a time, you pick up anything eye catching and read just about every last bit of it. I've read a lot of comic and entertainment magazines. I read a ton of Maxims back when it was worth a damn. Read a bunch of Black Belt magazine when there wasn't a whole lot of choice in martial arts magazines. Now the magazine I like to keep up with is Fighters Only.

Fighters only is really good. They've got great interviews. There's a lot of training tips. Its also the main way I keep up with news on mixed martial arts. Each issue has a Fighters Only "Babe" and sure enough one month it was Francoise Boufhal whom I have pictured. There's a few pictures and a brief interview. So I read the attached interview and while she says her knowledge of MMA is light at best she did say she was a black belt in Karate.

These interviews do remind me a lot of the Maxim interviews in that I have to wonder how much actually came out of her mouth. Sure some of these girls are very savvy and know what to say to cater to the target audience. I do think the interviewer in many cases is more of a writer making the gals more appealing. See, I could understand if the "babes" were UFC ring girls, or even some of the more attractive female fighters. Sometimes they'll have the ladies in fight gear or wrapping their hands like they're getting ready to pound out a few rounds on the heavy bag. Typically, I'll see the girl featured in a pictorial that has absolutely nothing to do with fighting, and the notion that they do anything fight oriented stretches even my imagination. Its kinda like when you see the star of the latest hot movie say that she goes for the average guy who likes to eat burgers and play video games. Does anyone really think that the Maxim cover girl du jour loves playing Call of Duty when she isn't watching football?

I can live with lie of it all. I really can. I just wish it was a little more plausible sometimes. I know full well I'm not going to see a girl like this in a magazine like Fighters Only and have her say "Gee, I don't know anything about that mixed martial... whatever. I'm just here for a check." but it would be a refreshing change of pace. Of course that's about a likely as hearing a politician say "No, I really don't give a damn about anything you care about, I just want you to vote for me."

Ah, the truth. Don't hold your breath waiting for it.

ST00PID SCIENCE!!

Ya know what really sucks nowdays? Science, that's what. Science used to be so awesome. It used to be all about exploration, and making cool stuff, and blowing things up with lasers. Now all it seems to do is show us how terrible everything is and suck all the wonder out of everything.

Let's look at out old pal Pluto. Remember Pluto? Little frozen rock out in the middle of nowhere. Last little planet on our solar system. We learned about him in elementary school. We had bright colorful posters showing off the planets of the solar system and his little gray self was there on the end. I have a book. Its got all the planets in it, and sure enough, there's Pluto. Then five years ago they demote Pluto. Its not a planet anymore. Buncha jerks! Some of us out here love Pluto.

And all it is is a bunch of scientists being spiteful. I bet they got a lousy grade on their report on Pluto when they were kids and this is payback. They are just dead set on there only being eight planets in our solar system. Hell, some scientists have possibly found another planter out there. Its four times the size of Jupiter and hidden in the Oort cloud (obviously to hide cool, mysterious stuff) and those jerks want to say that it doesn't count either! Just being spiteful is what it is. Its like they don't really care what's out there, they just want to be right about there being eight planets.

Same with triceratops. Seriously, who doesn't love triceratops. I do. My kids do. They like Tank the Triceratops on Dinosaur Train. He's a very popular dinosaur. If he wasn't would there have been a Dinobot of one? I think not! But no! Bunch of killjoy scientists say there was no such thing. Its really a torosaurus.

No its not, you jerks. Its a triceratops. Every last cartoon I've ever seen with a dinosaur in it says so. And so do the Transformers, and we don't argue with Transformers unless they're directed by Michael Bay.

And when science isn't taking cool stuff away from us its telling us how horrible everything is. You can't even eat a cheeseburger anymore because it'll kill you horribly and put a hole in the Ozone layer. Pretty much according to science the best thing we could do for the planet is all die. We cause global warming. We take up too many natural resources. We're all just horrible. But if we drive pansy cars and use those stupid light bulbs with mercury components that aren't worth a shit then maybe science will say its OK for us to live and have kids.

Of course you have the science used by the high and mighty atheist assholes who like to break out whatever they can to crap on whatever religious holiday you're trying to celebrate. They can tell you all these stupid facts about Christmas, yet couldn't bring themselves to wish you a "Merry Christmas" if someone had a gun to their head. They don't need faith because they have science. Well, no one ever gets a present on Science Day, now do they.

Then there's the stupid wannabe science that tells us stupid stuff. Some study just came out and they talked about it on the morning news show that women are the ones in charge of relationships. Yeah, that revelation was worth diverting intellectual candlepower away from finding that cure for cancer.

So here's the thing science. You need to get your act together. Start being awesome again and stop being so damn douchey. Get back to the business of making great and useful discoveries. Quit telling everyone how horrible everything is and start making ways that everything can be really cool.

MUSIC!!

The fact that this was on VH1 Classic is a win beyond belief, except for the fact that it makes me old.



That's it for this go around. I'm going to go kick some ass now. See y'all Friday.